Selfish Time of Year

This time of year I am either trying to ignore a feeling in my gut or bursting every five minutes into tears. This year, I've done a little bit of both. I'm always talking about myself. Inside and outside. ME, ME, ME. I don't like it, but it's all bottling up about this time, and I've got to let it out sometime, so I guess I fall back on the excuse that the 20th of February is the anniversary of my mother's death. It will be five years this year and it feels almost a lifetime a way. I guess I wouldn't call it an "Anniversary" that's a more positive thinking. This isn't really positive, but I can't make it all negative. I have to remember her and do what she would do today.I think about how she would be 41 in April and I almost cry. She was so young when she died. I miss her a lot. I miss talking with her, I can't talk to my father about anything. I try, believe me I try, but in the end it never works and I'm back to the beginning trying all over again. I'm stubborn and I fight back. That's the way I am, and if you tell me to me quiet I'll just get louder. I guess I am feeling a little down about expectations. My cat, Scout is missing, and people are just drifting away. I don't know why I allow them to return when they just drift away and ignore me, or I do the same. I guess there is no point. If you can live without a person for a month, then you can live without them forever. That's the way I feel. & WITHOUT, meaning no talking or even existing to them. I guess I am content with just being me, and whoever wants to be with me, hop on board, other than that I can't waste my time begging for their attention. I think I'd rather die then feel that way again. I feel like I always have to please people, well I'm done! It's not that easy, but I'm going to try to just be happy, and include people, but not to the point where I am bleeding to get their attention. Well that's enough selfishness for one night.

-Sam